Thursday, February 12, 2009

Out of Spoons; or, In which I gaze at my navel

I'm all out of spoons for the day. I thought maybe I'd stashed one under the bed or in my sock drawer, but no. I'm out.

It feels like there's all this stuff piling up around me... I should send that fax to the bank, pay the bills, make the bed, wash my hair, fold the laundry, put a pot of beans on to cook, clean the bathtub (and the rest of the house), respond to emails, pay attention to the cats... Or even just sit down and take my medications. Even that is such an effort...sitting down to a dozen or so pills at a time. Getting water from the sink. Eating.

I finally realized I've been dehydrated for the last few days because I don't have the energy or motivation to get something to drink.

It's a weird mix of lack of energy/motivation. Sure, my energy level is disastrously low, but I also have this weird blanket feeling of...nothing. I have no drive. Motivation. Interest. It's a blank. Nick often asks me if there's something wrong because I've been sitting on the edge of my chair, staring off into the distance. No, I say. Nothing wrong. It's just the distance between sitting and standing feels impossibly large. Or that the neurological and physiological effort it would take to make the decision to stand, then have my nerves do their thing in coordination with my muscles, well, there's just no incentive there.

There's a cloud between thought and desire. Knowledge and action. It's been growing for the last week. Numbing.

I believe that, were I to break out my fancy-pants hat, I'd say I am displaying flat affect and am experiencing derealization and/or depersonalization. I imagine this is probably due to a variety of factors--herxing, a lack of restorative sleep, Lyme playing Twister with my neurotransmitters, overuse of benzodiazepines in an effort to get sleep, la la la la.

In other words, I think I can point to a cause, and I don't think that I'm going crazy or slipping into depression. And I think that once this round of herxing and medication adjustment calms down, I'd guess that things will return to "normal," where normal = Lyme life.

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